Every time I talk about this people don’t understand what I’m talking about so I don’t say it too often. It’s kind of hard to explain but I can see the same place in One Direction and then sometimes in the other. Like north and south or east and west but it’s a directional thing I guess. [link] [comments] I experience the world through two different directions and dont know why published first on https://neuroscientia.blogspot.com/ via Tumblr I experience the world through two different directions and dont know why
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I don’t know why. And I certainly don’t want to go through with the pain, but, lately I’ve found myself just staring at a wall and wanting to bash my head into it over and over again. My bed has a metal frame and I want to cut my forehead into it repeatedly. These thoughts have been happening more often and I don’t know what to make of them. Usually it happens just as a start to get overwhelmed and begin to cry (for seemingly no reason). Wanting to bash my head into a wall is usually followed by me wanting to kill myself or at least end it all. Just wanting to escape. But, I’m scared of the pain. [link] [comments] I want to bash my head into a wall published first on https://neuroscientia.blogspot.com/ via Tumblr I want to bash my head into a wall i recently recovered from endos 3 months ago and i think im gonna relapse. i didnt tell my parents out of the fear that they would send me to an ed clinic but for 6 months i survived on 500-300 calories and lost 30 pounds. i know that sounds like a not a lot of weight to lose but i have a thyriod problem so its hard for me to lose weight. i think they reason i started was guilt after the death of the girl in my class. i used to not go to school a lot due to stomach pains. looking back i can see that my anxiety didnt help it one bit but in the moment all i knew is that i was in a lot of pain and it mainly started up around school. (i used to get badly bullied in school so i think thats why it really acted up around then) this was my first year in a new school so i didnt know much people but put of the few people i did know their was this one who was always nice to me. we where not friends, our personalitys didnt click really but she was always really sweet to me. i remember vividly one day when we had a free class i was sitting behind her and she asked why i was out a lot. i exsplained that i had a lot of stomach pain and she said “promise me you will try to stay in for the whole day today.” i didnt think much of this in the moment but now its all i can think about latly. at the end of the year she was out a lot and nobody thought much of it until the summer when we got an email from the school exsplaining that she passed away and giving us funeral details. after that it really hit me. it was a form of self harm for me and though it hurt i felt a sence of uphoria when i was starving. sometimes i would binge eat but then i would throw it back up and exercise a bunch. i remeber once i ate a dark chocolate bar and after i forced myself to purge 4 times until i threw up blood. even after that i forced myself to exercise quietly in my room. i told my mom that i just felt sick and i was kind of sad over what happened. i stopped because exams where coming up and i knew if i wanted to do well in them i had to eat normally. i promised myself after the exams i would go back to starving but i havent yet. to this day my mom still doesnt know why i wasnt eating. i recently have been thinking about starving and started exercising more and i dont want to go back to that. anyway i just needed to get that off my chest, if any of you have any advice that wont get me in an ed clinic i would really appreciate it. im really scared of going to hospital again. thank you for letting me rant. [link] [comments] ed relapse published first on https://neuroscientia.blogspot.com/ via Tumblr ed relapse I stopped my zoloft medication cold turkey (I know that’s stupid) like a week or two ago, and I have been having a lot of bad withdrawal symptoms. The worst being that I feel almost bipolar. Having hypomanic episodes and ending the day with really bad depressive episodes. I also have vision disturbances like TV-snow, and objects looking like a funhouse mirror. Hopefully this fixes itself with time passing, because it is just so hard to deal with. Props to people living with bipolar, this shit is terrifying. [link] [comments] Antidepressant withdrawal published first on https://neuroscientia.blogspot.com/ via Tumblr Antidepressant withdrawal I’m new to this sub, and reddit in general, so please forgive me if this format is annoying. Or if advice is off limits here… So, I am currently climbing out of the pit of a depressive episode. It conveniently led to my decision to leave my job which was supporting me however, and so I’m now on the hunt for a new job. I’ve been through three in the past year, the most recent lasting eight months. I’m hoping the medication I was just prescribed will help a bit with maintaining a life in general, but as for right now, my main concern is keeping up with my income. To get right to it, what the heck am I supposed to say if I’m asked about why I left my last job? It was shitty all around, but I liked what I did and the amazing references I would have had have been thrown out the window due to the ghosting. Every bit of my wants to give up, but the drum that keeps me here is reasoning with me. I gotta keep at it, and logistics are getting in the way. This feels absolutely ridiculous posting, but I’m so lost. If you’ve read this far, I so so appreciate you! And of course, any advice would be a god send. [link] [comments] Hello hello! published first on https://neuroscientia.blogspot.com/ via Tumblr Hello hello! Does anyone else ever feel like they’re faking it? Especially on medication. Like sometimes I just genuinely believe I’m a liar, that I made all this stuff up for attention. I know for sure I’m depressed, I can’t possibly doubt that given the state of my room and my level of motivation, but I’m bipolar (type II) and since I’m on meds I rarely get hypomania, and honestly not getting mania makes me feel so invalid. When my psychiatrist asks me “have you had any racing thoughts, impulsive behavior, high energy?” and I say no, I always feel like that makes me less mentally ill. Like one of these days she’s going to say “ope you aren’t bipolar at all you exaggerated everything this whole time.” I have to remind myself that there was a time when I was -$90 in my bank account because I would spend and spend. And hypomania was always hard to spot because I just felt.. better. But the depression has always ruled over the mania. Maybe it’s because my dad used to fake illnesses for meds. My mom was anti medicine because of this, when I told her I thought I was depressed in high school she said “well what do you want, just medicine?” Ugh I just hate feeling like I’m crazy, like I’m a liar. [link] [comments] Anyone else feel like they’re faking everything? published first on https://neuroscientia.blogspot.com/ via Tumblr Anyone else feel like they're faking everything? Just a few months back I would have continuous classes plus a lot of soccer practice and I still would be fine. But now I rest in my bed all day and take a few classes and I’m completely drained. Like so drained that I don’t bother to brush my teeth or even charge my phone. What is happening to me? [link] [comments] I am losing energy to do anything. published first on https://neuroscientia.blogspot.com/ via Tumblr I am losing energy to do anything. I don’t know either coworker, maybe it’s because I got diagnosed with C-PTSD yesterday something that’s a life changing thing. And maybe you knew I had an appointment and that I didn’t need the added stress of the shop being broken into and robbed. I hate insensitive people. Fuck them. [link] [comments] “I don’t know what’s going through your mind at the moment.” published first on https://neuroscientia.blogspot.com/ via Tumblr "I don't know what's going through your mind at the moment." I can’t take things seriously, in terms of how I engage in work. Carelessness, minimal effort, can’t stay focused. So I overload myself with how much I’m attempting to do Then I half-ass and cut back on both things, while acting like I’m still doing more than I really am. Often I cut back on personal care or personal life shit, which outwardly looks like I’m putting more effort into work while I’m internally coming unglued. All the while I feel obscene stress, a sense of being overwhelmed, and all the usual anxiety symptoms. I can’t do one thing well. I can either do nothing, or half-ass the work of two people. [link] [comments] Is this an actual disorder, or just something to work out with a therapist? published first on https://neuroscientia.blogspot.com/ via Tumblr Is this an actual disorder, or just something to work out with a therapist? RIP MY DARLING 2016 https://m.facebook.com/heidielizabethhamming/posts/?ref=page_internal&mt_nav=0 RIP MY BROTHER 2017 https://www.theherald.com.au/story/5588116/man-who-left-scene-after-fatal-to-face-trial/ People must wonder what someone who’s been through some tough times thinks about. Well I don’t talk about my emotions or what’s inside. On the outside I try to smile and look normal. But here’s a glimpse of what is inside. My apologies to anyone who gets upset by what I’ve written. I just want to let some of it out. I miss you. I’m sorry. If you could feel what I do everyday you wouldn’t blame me for trying to faff the day away. So you don’t think about the 2 people that aren’t here anymore. Yet somehow they seem to follow you around all day, constantly reminding you of the 2 biggest problems you can’t fix. So you try and you succeed to fix other stupid things. In reality tho your just wasting your life away. It’s cold, it’s dark and it’s painfully lonely in my thoughts and dreams. My dreams? Let’s see. Dan sitting there, all alone, unknowingly dying, gut wrenching crying, in vain he’s trying, to call out to his son. He can’t make a sound tho, cause his mouths all caved in, there’s so much blood everywhere. Dazed and confused, the shocks kicked in. He doesn’t know what happened but Dan knows it’s bad. He’s alone, still sitting there, dying all alone. I try to reach over, trying to help. But no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to change anything. That’s right I’m dreaming. Boom Everything’s black. Mum Mum Mum. Is that Braxy calling? Why won’t this seatbelt undo? Why is it so slippery? This bloods making it impossible. What!? Who’s blood? Shit, I think that’s mine. Why can’t I fucking move. Hang on, that’s right, Kenadee’s in the van too. I’ll call out. I’m scared Mum, she says in reply. I think I’m dead Mum, it’s black and I can’t move, I hear Braxy calling. Sounds like he needs help. Gotta send kenadee to get help for braxy boy, he’s gotta play soccer soon. I will mum I’m ok I’ll climb out the window and get someone. She’s a tough cookie my daughter, I’ll have to buy her a present when we get home. Now what the hell is pinning me to this chair? The pain, it’s everywhere, why does it hurts so much? That’s weird, why can’t I feel my legs? I need to get help to braxy, better tell him to stay awake. Don’t you go to sleep braxy……… everything fades away. The vans purring well this morning. I find myself sitting in the passenger seat. I look across and think Heidi’s looking a little tired. You awake baby. Hmmmm She didn’t seem to hear me. That’s weird. Shit, why’s she got her eyes closed. HEIDI WAKE UP. Why can’t she hear me? She’s vearing off the road! Why won’t my hands grip the wheel? I need to turn. There’s a guard rail. NO! Slowmotion can be excruciating. Especially when your watching your best friend, your lover, your world, getting ripped in half and pinned to her seat. Yet somehow, almost happy. You watch the guardrail twist and bend in directions that defy physical law. It’s as if 2 hands were bending it, bending with ease almost like it’s Play-Doh. As it bends and contorts you watch as somehow the impossible happens. The railing misses the kids in the back taking the one safe path out threw the back. But why? What did she do? What did she not do? Why cause so much pain? I thought You loved her? I thought You would have woken her up. She forgot to say goodbye that morning. Why didn’t You at least remind her to say goodbye? Heidi always said goodbye. Always. I met her once in my dreams I’ve seen Dan once too. I know I’ll see them again one day. This is just a small corner of my innermost thoughts and dreams. I hope you never visit for none have the strength to climb there way out from here. Lucky for me, I’m getting a helping hand. He’s been down even lower, to the very depths of this lonely place. He stole the keys and left a lantern in there space. Hopefully this helps someone who thinks dark and gloomy thoughts. It’s okay. There are probably other people that smile at you and look happy as Larry but have just mastered the art of emotional camoflauge. If you honestly call Me, I will answer. I am the Promise Keeper. I am the Healer. I Am. [link] [comments] Raw emotions from a stone cold heart published first on https://neuroscientia.blogspot.com/ via Tumblr Raw emotions from a stone cold heart |
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With an academic background in health and Creative Writing, I’m endlessly curious about mental health, bioethics, and genetics. I’m passionate about research and delivering high quality, reliable content to my readers. I’m a certified personal trainer and group fitness instructor and wellness educator. |