i recently recovered from endos 3 months ago and i think im gonna relapse. i didnt tell my parents out of the fear that they would send me to an ed clinic but for 6 months i survived on 500-300 calories and lost 30 pounds. i know that sounds like a not a lot of weight to lose but i have a thyriod problem so its hard for me to lose weight. i think they reason i started was guilt after the death of the girl in my class. i used to not go to school a lot due to stomach pains. looking back i can see that my anxiety didnt help it one bit but in the moment all i knew is that i was in a lot of pain and it mainly started up around school. (i used to get badly bullied in school so i think thats why it really acted up around then) this was my first year in a new school so i didnt know much people but put of the few people i did know their was this one who was always nice to me. we where not friends, our personalitys didnt click really but she was always really sweet to me. i remember vividly one day when we had a free class i was sitting behind her and she asked why i was out a lot. i exsplained that i had a lot of stomach pain and she said “promise me you will try to stay in for the whole day today.” i didnt think much of this in the moment but now its all i can think about latly. at the end of the year she was out a lot and nobody thought much of it until the summer when we got an email from the school exsplaining that she passed away and giving us funeral details. after that it really hit me. it was a form of self harm for me and though it hurt i felt a sence of uphoria when i was starving. sometimes i would binge eat but then i would throw it back up and exercise a bunch. i remeber once i ate a dark chocolate bar and after i forced myself to purge 4 times until i threw up blood. even after that i forced myself to exercise quietly in my room. i told my mom that i just felt sick and i was kind of sad over what happened. i stopped because exams where coming up and i knew if i wanted to do well in them i had to eat normally. i promised myself after the exams i would go back to starving but i havent yet. to this day my mom still doesnt know why i wasnt eating. i recently have been thinking about starving and started exercising more and i dont want to go back to that. anyway i just needed to get that off my chest, if any of you have any advice that wont get me in an ed clinic i would really appreciate it. im really scared of going to hospital again. thank you for letting me rant. [link] [comments] ed relapse published first on https://neuroscientia.blogspot.com/ via Tumblr ed relapse
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With an academic background in health and Creative Writing, I’m endlessly curious about mental health, bioethics, and genetics. I’m passionate about research and delivering high quality, reliable content to my readers. I’m a certified personal trainer and group fitness instructor and wellness educator. |